Why He Won’t Commit – Top Signs of Commitment Phobic Men

he won't commit

Dating a man with commitment issues is not all that uncommon. What is NOT common, however, is dating a commitment phobic man that has a true fear of commitment. The differences between commitment phobic men and a guy with only a few commitment issues are like night and day.

In relationships, one partner having issues with commitment is usually considered typical and often sorts itself out overtime. If, however, he won’t commit because he has commitment phobia, it is an entirely different set of circumstances. (By the way, in this video post about “How to Make Any Man Obsessively Desire You…” you can learn a wierd concept that works to evoke certain feelings in a guys mind and body which will make him feel utterly addicted and hooked to you… and only you).

Why He Won’t Commit: The Truth About a Commitment Phobic Man …

Sometimes a guy leaves a relationship for reasons of their own; Reasons that have nothing to do with their partner at all. A man who is a commitment phobe has little, or NO, remorse at all.

In fact, it’s commonplace for commitment phobic men to hurt the people they love over and over again. If you are, or ever have been, in love with a commitment phobe guy than you know exactly what I’m talking about.

How do you know if your guy has what’s considered a ‘normal fear of commitment‘ or if he’s a full-blown commitment phobe? First of all you should be on the watch-out for any clues or signs that he may be leaving you. Incidentally, you can learn more about how to keep a guy interested in this video.

Below are common traits that go beyond what’s considered normal commitment issues…

Is he a Commitment Phobe? Top Signs of Commitment Phobic Men:

  • They come on fast and strong at the start of a relationship. Nevertheless, the moment you become a couple he will demand more freedom and space.
  • The love and passion commitment phobic men feel is usually very genuine. That being said, a commitment phobe is able to love you with their entire self because they subconsciously understand that the relationship is short-lived.
  • Enjoys playing games with your feeling and emotions. For example, they seek out your love, care and attention right up until they obtain it.
  • A commitment phobic man can be incredibly elusive, or even deceptive with regards to their activities and happenings.
  • Has a past of many short-term romantic relationships. A commitment phobe will very often leave behind a trail of tears that can be traced back to the point in a relationship when things became too serious – IE; Getting engaged or making marriage plans.
  • They may be unavailable when you need them most, or even hide out from you, for no obvious motive.
  • Enjoys playing games with your feeling and emotions. For example, they seek out your love, care and attention right up until they obtain it.
  • Blames relationship problems on you saying; you’re too clingy, needy or paranoid by asking questions.
  • Time fabrications, deceptions and even lies are uncovered. And when caught in an untruth, a commitment phobic man will make-up complicated and very imaginative tales to conceal it.
  • Commitment phobic men and women often have extremely sudden mood swings. Their moods can literally swing from being a caring nurturing individual one day into that of a controlling inconsiderate person the next.
  • Frequent infidelity on their spouse or lover is another sign of a commitment phobe.

To Sum Up Why He Won’t Commit:

Being in a loving relationship with someone that fears commitment – to the point of “Phobia” – is dangerous territory that few romantic relationships survive. Therefore, any woman dating a man with commitment issues needs to be aware of the signs that he is a commitment phobe.

Commitment phobic men and women do exhibit traits and show blatant signs that could signify danger ahead. It’s up to you to be on the look-out for any, and all clues that a guy is leaving you.

And, as you’ll see in just a second, if you follow these tips you’ll discover an extremely effective “LOVE FORMULA” that will make any man feel so in love with you, that he will get obsessive thoughts about you all the time.

44 Comments

  • John B

    Reply Reply August 19, 2013

    Fear of Commitment: Some b.s. created by those that aren’t willing to accept that their person of interest doesn’t want to participate in the relationship, in the manner that they want them to.

    • allison

      Reply Reply August 21, 2013

      John B. I welcome your opinion but couldn’t disagree with you more! Commitment phobic men (AND women) absolutely exist…just ask any reputable relationship counselor, therapist, or anyone that’s ever been involved with a commitment phobe themselves.

  • julie

    Reply Reply August 21, 2013

    Wish I’d had access to this info years ago. I foolishly left a good marriage for a man who promised me the world then a few weeks later told me “I don’t want you darling”. We carried on like this for 5 years until he finally broke me. About a year later he met someone else, got married and divorced within 9 months. He’s now engaged to some other poor girl with a kid and it will go the same way I’m sure. So yeah the commitment phobe does exist and I feel sorry for anyone who gets involved with one.

    • Silvia

      Reply Reply January 3, 2014

      I just broke up with a commitment phobic guy after 3.5years and all the symptoms described are unfortunately correct. Wish I had heard of this before.

  • Miriam

    Reply Reply August 29, 2013

    I believe that CP people suffer double comparing to us. Yes, to be left heartbroken out of nowhere is hard, but it is NOT ABOUT US. This is the must statement to understand and to repeat to yourself.
    When my CP man in tears told me that he is in a dark place, not happy with himself and his life, need professional help, can not trust any of his buddy friends with what’s going on with him, and does not have anybody to talk about it, mad at his parents who left him at the age of 6 and feels so lonely all the time…… How in the world can I whining that I am the one who hurt the most?!
    Yes they are craving for love and attention, yes they are very tender and lovable, yes they know how to seduce you, but they are not mean, they don’t do it to hurt you. The sad truth is they don’t think about you and your needs, they are too much into what’s going on with them and how to put it all together. Those men are not partners, they are lovers.
    You as a woman should never try to heal or fix them. We all have problems, and we all have power to overcome it. You are the only person who can help yourself. Period. He will get to the point where important decision must be taken and it’s ONLY on him.
    No matter how sad and disappointing it is, you need to keep living your life and let him be. If he fixes himself and realizes that life without you is meaningless, he will find you. My only advice to women who were left by CP is leave him alone. It is not your fault and it’s not your fight.

    • Julia Mcintosh

      Reply Reply September 21, 2013

      Hi, I think your comments are spot on. I met and fell madly in love with someone who I thought and was led to believe by him, my soul mate.

      It lasted 3 years and then when he was asked to be more responsible began by slowly turning into someone I didn’t even know. He completely changed and I was and still am in total shock and disbelief how much he changed so quickly and dramatically into someone I didn’t even know!

      He began by withdrawing and then sabotaging the relationship until I ended it. But when the end came it was quick and it was final. He told me he loved me in the morning, by the evening he was gone… I haven’t seen or heard from him since (3.5 months now)

      I am an intelligent and (was) a very confident woman. He’s broken me and I’m now trying to repair the damage he did to me.

      All the signs were there before we started dating, but I thought it would be different with me. That he just needed a ‘good woman’ … what rubbish.

      I just read a fantastic book called ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ its so spot on I could hardly believe what I was reading!! My ex was a sad mixed up tortured soul I thought I could ‘save’

      I try to feel compassion, but it’s so hard considering what he did to me and my young son by ‘disappearing into thin air’!

      My ex had so many signs that he was ill, he smoked cannibis daily, he drank a large bottle of gin a week, sometimes more AND I found out he was a porn/sex addict after he moved in with me!! I always felt he was hiding something and that he was being secretive too.

      I knew he had been promiscuous before me with both men and woman, and that he had ‘risky’ sex in public places….but I just thought he had changed and grown up (he’s 36) I still cant believe how gullible and stupid I have been!! Also he had never been able to maintain a relationship, the longest before me was 9 months!

      He had ‘danger’ written all over him, and I ignored what my head was telling me and went with my heart. A HUGE mistake, the worst I have ever made in my 43 years!

      In the beginning he was so full on and romantic, that I truly believed it was ‘forever’!! So if you’re reading this and someone you thought loved you has wiped the floor with you, I really really do feel your pain!

      The only advice I can give to anyone dating or in love with a commitment phobe is
      RUN….as fast as you can in the opposite direction. These people don’t change. They can’t, they’re too damaged and will eventually take you down with them.
      feel sorry for them because they will NEVER find peace or happiness. They often mask their misery with drink and drugs and empty sex.

      Im slowly coming to terms with what has happened to me. One thing is for sure, I WILL NEVER let this happen to me again!!

      • GMarie

        Reply Reply October 10, 2013

        I feel your pain .. Its devastating how quickly they end it .. Ive never felt so crushed and vulnerable ..
        I guess we just have to realize is that its not us .

      • Amanda

        Reply Reply January 7, 2014

        Your comment is spot on. I have been through the same thing. I met this guy online and after three years we finally decided to meet. we had a good time and I felt he was the one for me. months later, I realised I was pregnant. when I broke the news to him, that’s when his true character came out! I lost my baby, he felt no remourse at all, the guy moved on. he drinks, smokes and who knows lives a promiscous life. Never seen or heard from him, I have moved on and learned my lesson.

      • Connie

        Reply Reply January 10, 2014

        I think I was the poor soul he crushed after u!

    • Anna

      Reply Reply September 24, 2013

      Hi…
      I am looking for info about ppl with commitments problems.that what happened to me ans still I cant understand it.I met him in may 2012.became a couple but he broke up with me over little things.I wasn’t really good in relatnionships so I didnt know how to manage but I also heard: i was too pussy,too needy,too demanding…he used to say I wanted more than he could give me…I believed him as I am a bit needy but then I started realising that something was wrong…he had problems with his emotions,was saying that he didnt understand himself,that he was lost and had doubts about us…I’ve heard this so many times so far.I gave him the chance in August after a four-month break….he was perfect for about a month. Then started taking a step back and back and then quiet and in the end told me the same: got commitments problems…can’t help it but I love you.I am really devastated.whatever. i do is not enough.i am annoyed and angry with myself that i been so stupid so many times…and his mum of course….many times he wasn’t on time because skype with mum, he nearly cancelled our arrangements because of his mum,mum on skype so he cannot say he has no time…he’s left me again coz mum needs him more…and me????what about me??? Help…..

    • GMarie

      Reply Reply October 10, 2013

      WOW , you just described my relationship ..
      Im so glad I read his ..Ive been crying for weeks over this guy thinking it was me.
      Our relationship started in July and was what seemed love at first sight . Everything was perfect . He really reeled me in .As I was not ready for e relationship nor was I looking .But when we met we seemed to have this crazy intense passion and connection with each other . Once he reeled me in 100% then he seemed to show signs of backing off . Saying hes broken , hes not a happy person , I neeed to be careful because he may end up hurting me . blah blah blah . But then if I backed off then he was there reeling me back in .WHen we were together spending time it would be pure bliss then when we weren’t together he would get distant .So final straw was we spent 7 days together on a family trip and introduced our kids to each other . Everything was perfect . Then we both go back home and then he pulls back . So I was really hurt and asked him why the distance . He replies “I already told you Im broken and Im figuring out me ” I said so why did we just do this trip and involve the kids and deepen the bonds of the relationship ? he replies . “I don’t know . why did we ? Then says he needs time to figure himself out and we are just going to be friends ..
      Since then he still calls me . Were still going on a trip we had planned in November .But he says we are just going as friends.. I went to vegas with some friends last week and didn’t answer my phone and he went crazy blowing up my phone ..Wanting to know where I was , who I was with . Accused me of sleeping with somebody and that’s why I didn’t answer . Its driving me crazy because I did fall in love with this man .. Now I don’t know who he is or what to do .

    • ton

      Reply Reply December 4, 2013

      I completly agree! I think i had a romance with a CP; he flew from me so many times, disappointing, creating all kind of obstacles for things to evolve; it is terrible to a woman to live this kind of experience, to live in a continous confusion and instability, not knowing what to think abou he’s behaviour and all comes and gos; it hurted me a lot, really; i understand now that it was my fault not wanting to see, but it was reaaly bad; now i had strenght to let him; it came to a poitn where i could not stand anymore, so much suffering; therefore, i also think that if he wishes to get professional help and decide i’m important he will get to me, but if not, it is not my problem anymore; everyone has its own problems; but no one is to be helped if you dont help yourself first; this kind of man means only suffering and loss of time and peace of mind!

    • Another one

      Reply Reply December 19, 2013

      I agree with what you said as well. But I also see them as selfish individuals that give up too easy. Most of them will sleep around with no strings attached and it’s easy for them because in the end there is no attachment but will they ever realize how shallow this is, using people to temporarily fill shallow holes? I would think at some point they would realize why they aren’t like other people, why they can’t hold a stable relationship or be open about their feelings?

      • ton

        Reply Reply December 20, 2013

        they are too shallow, futile and coward… he never took a stand as a man should; everything was always so confusing, everything extremely dissmulated, no concrete answers were given.. i told him so many times, please let me knoe if you dont want me anymore; please let me know ans let me go; but the answer was always the same: you are always fancing stuff, it is nothing of that and 3 years and a half passed by and i was always trying to believe that it was not possible that man being doing this kind of things so f… dreadful, like doing me wrong for sport.. it was so f… crazy… i still dont get it… i really loved him and did everything i could (much more than I should or the great number of people would do) to try to let him know how much i loved him and cared for him, tryed so many times to be valued by someone who was only interested in me liking him… he did not care for me, he was always running and always expected to be loved, only that.. but not to love… it was my fault many things; i let him do whatever he wanted, always understanding, always denieing that he didn’ give a shit to me… he just wanted to keep me there and he did so.. and i turned my back on him one day after one of my “delusional stuff” saying to myself I needed more, i wished to be a man at my side, someone who cares for me, someone to be present not only there but with me when i was alone… it has been quite difficult to continue and accept that the man i thought to be the man of my dreams just turned out to be the most dissapointing and traumatic loving experience i have lived so far…

    • DFish

      Reply Reply January 7, 2014

      Absolutely spot on!! I~ agree with every word. Heart breaking I’ve learned so much about him and myself!!! He’s in my office – he acts like I’m not there so awful but it will never be enough for me as it is, he needs help, I’ve told him that so he is probably secretly angry with me now :/ hey ho onward and upward.

      • DFish

        Reply Reply January 7, 2014

        my first comment is to Miriam

    • Liz

      Reply Reply January 18, 2014

      This is really good and you sum up the reality and the options very well for those of us dealing with a CP. I am a widow and was happily married for 21 years. I recently dated someone for three months and I realized that somethiing was off and thought, well maybe he’s just not into me. Only he would tell me he thought I was amazing all the time, but he would go hot and cold, be moody, secretive (wouldn’t let me see his house) and lack affection and concern. I eventually called it off after three months. If I hadn’t know what a loving relationship looked like, I would have totally blamed myself. I am worthy of an emotionally healthly person. I can not accept anything else.

  • Sara Y.

    Reply Reply September 6, 2013

    I met someone 6 months ago,he’s charming !! Thes best boyfriend i’ve ever had- sadly he has CP :/ – i ddn’t figure it out till 3 weeks ago when he broke up wid me. I shld’ve noticed before- the 1st week was the most romantic week ever . He was all over me- trying to win me etc – but then after 2 weeks he asked for a break- saying tht he’s not sure- then he said after 2 days tht he can’t live widout me- then we stayed 5 more months. Until 3 weeks ago- he say down nd told me tht he’s afriad of hurting me more if we stayed bcz of the commitment issue tht shows up from time to time- he feels like he’s tied- though our relationship dnt have tht much of limitations at all- we love each other so much nd understand eAch other really well- anws after 3 weeks he shows up – he wants to get back together nd tht he cldnt sleep nd just overthinking – nd he simply loves me nd wants another chance- “can’t live without me”. Ofcpurse i said yea cz i love him- but im afraid of getting hurt then. Nd he’s afraid from having this feeling again- he’s a family guy. I met his parents- and he even talked to my parents abt later on- but they disagreed because of religous things- which made him fear more from losing me in the future bcz of this- w he rlly hates losing ppl !!

    Wht shall i do- i want him nd im willing to do anything . I wana help hik overcome this problem.

    Im secure wid him- but its painful
    What im sure abt is that he loves me.
    An the fact tht he is honest wid me is a relief..
    But what shall i do.

    • Gill M

      Reply Reply September 26, 2013

      Sara, get him to go and see a shrink, specialised in relationships. If he won’t, as much as it hurts you, you need to leave him now.

      My boyfriend of two years left me very, very suddenly 4 months ago, the day after he moved his stuff into my house. As if that weren’t bad enough, he was then cruel to me time and again, erasing me from his life completely as if I never existed. He ripped out my heart and then stomped on it.

      I worked out quite quickly that commitment was the problem, but I discovered only last night that he has commitment phobia. Reading down the list of symptoms is harrowing – check, check, check – all the things I couldn’t understand are all clear now. All the things that hurt me during the relationship are clear now.

      Save yourself. Hugs.

  • Sara Y.

    Reply Reply September 6, 2013

    Talked to his parents **

  • Jay

    Reply Reply October 8, 2013

    Here I am. I just lost the love of my life because of my commitment issues. We were together for 3 years. She knew I had issues due to a bad divorce of 13 years. She went through a bad divorce too, but she did not end up with the same problem. Both of us have children which complicates things also. Well honestly, it was my children that complicated it. Her kids are great. I never broke up with her, instead when things got to a new level I would treat her with indifference and not give her the love and attention she needed. Basically pushing her away. We have broken up twice before for the same reason, but I was able to convince her to come back. This time she is done for good. I know I love her with all my heart. I don’t sleep, I cant concentrate, lost 10+ pounds, etc.
    So I said to myself what is wrong with me. I began to do research and found information on CP. I am a classic case. I never hid it. I just didn’t know how serious it was. I thought I would just meet the one and be over it. My parents were together until my father passed away and I am from a loving traditional family. It all stems from my marriage and eventual divorce which was awful. I would use terms like, “I will never get remarried”, “marriage is just a document on paper” etc.
    I have to stop pursuing her because I don’t want to hurt her any more. The problem is I really want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is incredible. We have been apart for 3 months and I still talk to her and spend time with her once in a while. She is honest with me and says she loves me but our relationship will never be what it was. After I see her my heart aches even worse than before and that is torture. I have to stop.
    So this is day 2 of the realization that there is actually something called CP. I always used it like a punch line. I am going to seek help and continue to do research. I am going to kick this thing because I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I do pray that once I figure it all out, we can be together again. I really hurt her and she deserves to be treated with love and affection.

  • Julia

    Reply Reply December 17, 2013

    Jay, my heart goes out to you. I understand the pain and grief you are suffering and how refreshing to hear the “CP” side of things. For you, there is hope, as you know you have a problem, a problem that has left you without the woman you love, and that is brave. I hope you find the resolve for this undoubtedly sad issue that affects so many. I have spent seven years on and off, more off than on with a man who demonstrates every single one and more of the warning signs. I have never met his children, seen his home, been away with him, holiday or otherwise. Our initial relationship when he swept me off my feet was full on and passionate, but it was really just dates and times in the diary – he has to have control, and the more he sits on the fence, veering from full on to cold, distant and uncaring the better it is for him. But not for me, as I’m left confused. We live miles apart, a four hour car drive. He always sends me cards, postcards, rings or texts me throughout the years. When he feels in a safe place, where he has control he starts to pursue me again. He asked to meet me nine weeks ago. He booked himself into a hotel, and we spent two days where he poured his heart out to me. How he had always loved me, and loves me now. How the bond we have is so deep and powerful. I fell for him all over again, trusted and believed this time he had dealt with his intimacy issues. Thankfully we were not physically intimate, he did not push for that. We met again last week, and he has reversed everything again. How we must let our love fade and stop being in touch. He is cold, clinical and shows no signs of the love he demonstrated 9 weeks ago. He’s backed off because we got to the point we had to move forward and try to make it work…as how can you meet up and pretend to be just friends when you both are exchanging words of love and passion, so once again, he’s vanished and asked me to not to contact him. So Jay, to read your posting has been truly amazing as it gives me hope that if one recognizes they have an issue with intimacy it needn’t be the end of the line. Thank you for sharing your story and good luck for the future.

  • Another one

    Reply Reply December 19, 2013

    I’ve got the same story as everyone else, pretty much. He wooed me in, we were together for a several months, things couldn’t be better when we spent time together but when we were apart for days he would come up with he needed space and didn’t know how he felt about me and blah blah blah. He said he didn’t want to loose me but also wanted freedom. Like having me but also being single, nah that doesn’t fly over with me too well. But nonetheless I gave him plenty of freedom because I am an independent woman. I was optimistic that he would figure things out but eventually how he acted started taking a tole on me, making me anxious and upset that he could not figure his stuff out. His moods would vary so greatly from one day to another I felt I was always on edge. When we were together, he made me very happy but also sometimes unhappy, I suspected he may have committment issues but I never looked into it until now. It’s a sad thing and I wish these people did research on why they can’t handle their own emotions and figure out their why they do what they do so they stop hurting others and themselves.

    • Silvia

      Reply Reply January 4, 2014

      I’m still recovering for a broken heart – not easy as everything went through my mind (including self-analysis) after 3.5yeas of relationship.

      I mentioned to him about CP and his eyes were full of tears so I believe he wasn’t aware of it and didn’t act that way deliberately.

      Having said that though, I need to understand that’s his problem and I need to move on.

  • Layla

    Reply Reply January 11, 2014

    I’m actually suffering from this. I’ve known him for about 3 years now. We started talking for 2 years. But the problem is that we were never officially together as boyfriend and girlfriend in the first place. He told me that he liked me and I thought things from there were going to progress from there. Ever since then nothing has progressed. We went on dates, we talked a lot in the beginning, but after all the excitement he became very distant to me. He would only talk about twice a week or maybe even less.
    I knew something was going to happen, and I was so afraid to ask him what was wrong. But I wanted HIM to tell me if he was leaving or not. He didn’t at all. I found out from my friends. And that upset me because he was keeping a secret from me with my best friends. I was pissed off. Once he found out that I knew he decided to tell me himself but it was too late.
    But it’s not over yet.

    I was heart broken and I became a different person than myself. I spent my time looking for attention from guys I didn’t even know and I spent my summer getting drunk. But I slapped myself in the face and got myself back on track because school was about to start and I found my old self back again.
    But then started talking to me again. My birthday approached and he sung me happy birthday right at midnight. Like he was waiting to tell me or something.
    Months later we casually talked. I got over the fact that he hurt me and I thought we could be friends again. But one night he opened up to me that I was the biggest mistake he ever let go of. I asked him why he did it and he just says that he was a pussy (and he was and still is). Vulnerable, I gave him another chance.
    The second time around things went so much better. We actually hung out a lot more and became more intimate than we ever were.
    But now I’m stuck because he’s becoming distant with me again. I approached him recently and asked where I stood with him. But he says we are still just friends who probably made a certain move too soon. I asked him one last time if he ever sees me as being more than just friends or not. He said he needed time to think about it because it’s a hard decision.
    In a regular relationship, it shouldn’t be a hard question at all. If you want me it’s a simple yes or no. Especially after all we went through. So I’m stuck. He knows it’s his last chance with me. He says no matter what he wants to be friends but I don’t know if I can anymore because every time we talk I fall for him all over again. :( My friends tell me to leave and I know I have to. I just don’t want to let go of every thing again. :(

  • Jma

    Reply Reply January 28, 2014

    I’m so thrilled and relieved to have found this post. I’ve been off and on with my CP for 15 years!

    It’s like the last 15 years of my life makes sense now. My CP guy has shown ALL of these signs. And some of your stories are profoundly similar.

    He would pull me in, push me away. ALL the time. I had surgery last week, unexpectedly, he didnt pick up the phone once to see how I was. Instead texted me 4 days later to let him know when I’m in a “better place” and we can try again. WTF? Seriously? Just because I had unforeseen surgery that I’m expected to recover from in 2 weeks. Doesn’t mean I’m in a “bad place” amirite? We just spent an amazing weekend together the weekend before. Filled with love, affection and lots of good fun. In fact, my life is in a wonderful place, everything but my relationship with him is moving in the right direction.

    I will say that I had other relationships on our off times, got married and had Children with a wonderful man in 2009 – 2011. We are in the process of divorce for reasons unrelated to my CP but once CP found I was getting divorced he professed his undying love for me and we picked right back up. 2 weeks ago he started the drifting away game again. It’s almost like clock work, every 3-4 months he does it. For seemingly no reason. Then makes me out the bad one. I’m a very strong confident, independent women but he really makes me question everything I know about myself when he’s distant.

    I’ve spent the better part of the last 5 days in my post-op crying over this guy. Who I now know is a classic case CP. It’s helped me reading this article. I’m not crazy. I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it. I can’t change it. I can change what I allow of him in my life. At this point I’m prepared for that to be nothing at all. Problem is, the history. His family is like my family. I get along well with his sister. They’re both adopted and completely different people. She’s more sensible, open minded, and has had a serious relationship with two chdren for 6 years. She doesn’t seem CP at all.

    Other than the last steady year he’s been “committed but not really” to me. He’s had a series of short term relationships that always ended for reasons other than his doing, according to him. He refuses to accept any responsibility for his part in anything.

    He’s had a history of drug addictions, alcoholism and a laundry list of sexual partners. He’s a dating site junkie. Usually of the hooking up only variety.

    I always felt he was exusive with be when things were on. But now I’m questioning that.

    He has no close friends. Maybe a few buddies he barely talks to and never hangs out with. I see now that he struggles deeply with interpersonal relationships. Which is likely why I was his only friend.

    He has a tendency to project his poor behavior onto me. He regularly tells me bad things about “me” that are actually things I see in him.

    I’m moving on. I’m a great catch. I’m smart, articulate, funny, beautiful and caring. Despite the things he’s said. Yes, he’s broken a few pieces, but I’m going to pick up the pieces and build stronger for myself and my future.

    Thank you for this post. Thank you all for sharing your stories. You’ve helped me tremendously.

    My best to the rest of you struggling. My heart goes out.

    • jdredfoxx

      Reply Reply April 12, 2014

      bingo….Ive heard it all and went hook line and sinker, head over heels, over and over into the most “traumatic” “love’ experience ever. They are truly a breed amongst themselves. I can’t believe I did this over and over again and didn’t “get” it….even after counseling sessions together twice. I even think he might have had her fooled about his intentions initially. My advice, as MUCH as you want to believe all the “drivel” that pours out of their mouths…..save yourself and avoid a lot of grief for the future!! Every day and minute is “wasted’ on someone who will NEVER follow through whatever he has told you he has every intention of committing to!! Not gonna happen and then you’re heartbroken when they up and leave for someone else or treat you so bad you finally walk away and say “enough” never to return to them again as much as you love them

  • keith

    Reply Reply February 1, 2014

    I am a male commitment phobe but in spite of what others say I am proud of it. I avoid commitment in just about everything in life because it binds you to obligations and essentially enslaves you and limits your freedom. I have no major commitments or obligations and no debts. I am dependent on no one, not even my employer.

  • vina

    Reply Reply February 6, 2014

    i’ve involved with a cp guy for about 6 years now.i found out about his problem at the very beginning of our re
    lationship bumping in to “Men Who Can’t Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart” marvelous book.it was very useful in protecting me from his terrible manners and the sufferings i faced due to his problem over and over again.we had an off and on relationship.i was in love with him and no man had ever been able to attract me like this but unfortunately he didn,t want to love me i sensed his love and it was wonderful but grduly he started to ruin everything ,he worked step by step,exactly the way described in the ,MEN WHO CAN,T LOVE ,book.he stsrted to give back what he had given to me , the most important of all the sense of safety and security by acting as a stranger to me ,cold,distant, reluctant and indifferent .worst of all by signalling to me that there is/are another /others in his life.it broke me as worst as possible.despite my knowledge on his problem,i always hoped he would change.but he showed me that he had no intention to change anything,not positively.he showed his very desire to ruin my love.his love and our relationship.i feel he dropped my feelings my heart my self esteem and threw all in to rubbish, i ,ve got extremly hard time to deal with all this cruelty.

  • O'Neill

    Reply Reply February 19, 2014

    I just got out of a relationship with a man who had a different blend of commitment phobia and I can’t really find it anywhere online. I wonder if anybody else has met this kind of CP. He did not come on strong at the beginning, there was never a “honeymoon” phase. He was consistently cautious right from the beginning and this maintained during the year we were together. He definitely had phases where he was more open, fun, close to me and phases where he was cooler, distant, seemingly distracted.

    It took a few months before I got to meet his friends, but some of them I never met and he compartmentalized. I met his family one time, and that was the last time. He met my family a few times, but he never really wanted to hang out with my friends…he was always “busy” doing something. He never wanted to make plans or schedule anything…always waited until the weekend to talk about the weekend. Once when I asked for him to pencil something into his calendar a month out, he complained about this and commented that he didn’t know why he had to accommodate my married friends just so they could ensure a babysitter.

    He never talked about his feelings out loud. He never said he loved me or even cared about me out loud or even by text, and he would never say he missed me when he was out of town. The only time he ever expressed any feelings, and again it was never words like, “care, love, miss” but things like “enjoy, appreciate”, was through e-mail. He was a very poor communicator most of the time…texts were sometimes ignored all day or even into the next day. Once when he was out of town on a vacation, he failed to call me at all, even though my father went into the hospital the night before he left. He texted me once in that 4 or 5 day period to check in with me.

    My CP did actually deal with guilt about our relationship. After it ended, I pretty much cornered him and he admitted that he had commitment phobia. He admitted that I was wonderful and that he just got scared and had to run but didn’t know why. He did not want to lose me in some regards…he wanted to still hang out with me, sleep with me, make dinner together. He just wanted to still be able to keep his options open, I suppose, in case someone else more “perfect” came along.

    He has a good job, his own business, a wonderful family and wonderful friends. He has no history of substance abuse and is probably the most faithful, most loyal, most decent man that I have ever met. He was never unkind to me, but he was always gentle and thoughtful. He is very loyal to everybody in his life. After the relationship ended he wanted me to stay in his life no matter how I was willing to stay…he did not want to lose me, it seemed, yet he was not able to commit to me either.

    He spent a lot of time with friends and often didn’t include me when he went out with them…even if everybody else was a couple. He would drop anything to help a friend and often forgot our plans because he was out with friends.

    He does not have a history of broken relationships that may have caused this. Most of his relationships lasted more than a year and were ended by him…or should I say, sabotaged. He is not a player, does not sleep around, he does not want to do a fling. He wants to be in a relationship, he says. His father died while he was in high school, but that is it.

    I am just wondering if there are any other CP experiences out there like this: very nice guy, loyal, no bitter relationship history, no player personality, very shy about his feelings, no substance abuse, good family, good man.

    Right now we are “spending time” together, and this just happened in the last week after being broken up with him for 2 months. I don’t know that he will ever change but I am interested in learning if anybody else has met this kind of CP.

    • Marie

      Reply Reply February 21, 2014

      O’Neill,

      Im going through the same thing. everything you mention I’m going through now. i wasn’t sure if it was possible for someone to be like that and i just though that maybe he didn’t have much of relationship with his mom that he just dint know how to treat a women… At first he was everything i wanted and looked for and NOW 6 months after he said i moved to fast for him, I’m perfect for him but he doesn’t want anything at all. I met his friends a few times but never his family… he introduce me as his girlfriend and treats me like it in the moment and then after a couple of days he’s pushed himself away. I’m not sure what to? I’m so disgusted by his action and the things he told me that i want to leave but I’m afraid he won’t care at all and its going to hurt me more.

      • O'Neill

        Reply Reply February 22, 2014

        Marie,

        I know it is very hard dealing with this. My CP wanted to maintain a “friends with benefits” relationship. I said no to this, but 2 months after our break up I’ve found that this is what we are doing. It is actually tearing me up inside, so I know I will need to end things soon enough. My advice to you is this. You have 2 choices. If you want to stay with this guy and accept that things are going “too fast” for him, you should just let him completely navigate things. Don’t pressure him, have big “talks” about the relationship, rehash things already discussed. Be unavailable, don’t always respond to his calls/texts, get busy, get a life that is fulfilling and keeping you busy. When you are together, be fun, be a good listener, talk about things that are important to you and your life, but not necessarily the relationship. Live in the relationship as though you have no idea what the future holds so why worry about it? If he is capable of love and commitment to you, then your distance and unavailability, partnered with your relaxed and carefree attitude may be what brings him back to you and makes him see that commitment isn’t so scary. That being said, he may be a true blue CP, which I think my ex-boyfriend is. In that case, it won’t matter what you do or won’t do. Like an addict, they won’t change until they realize they have a real problem and want to change. So in that case, you are better off walking away to preserve your own heart.

    • Lina

      Reply Reply March 7, 2014

      Has he been marry before? How old is this guy? Does he have a mom?I’m asking because you mention he has not have any bad relationships in the past…

    • Lina

      Reply Reply March 7, 2014

      Does he have children ?

  • Marie

    Reply Reply February 21, 2014

    This guy I’ve been seeing for the last 6 months and NOW told me that everything is moving too fast, NOW found a few things wrong with whatever we had. he sold me soo many good lies and excuse only to contradict himself. This is the first time this has happen to me and its pretty hurtful. Being sold on something you thought was real and could possibly work and come to find out it was ALL bullshit hurts. I know the right thing to do is let him go but what if he changes ? Or could he even?

  • Cat

    Reply Reply February 26, 2014

    Wow!
    I feel Like a weight has been lifted! Every trait on that list epitomizes my ex boyfriend.

    I have been broken now for a month, unable to move forward. Constantly wondering what if, what if. We met in June 2011. We were living in different citys and initially we just met at a friends house, I had come out of a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious. But he really chased me for the first couple of months and led me to believe he couldn’t be without me and loved me more than anyone. He rang me to tell me he’d left his job and would move to my city (and in to my apartment) At first he was perfect, so romantic and wonderful. Told me would be together forever, that he could imagine a future. After a year he became aggressive, snappy and moody all the time. I felt like I couldn’t doing anything right and I had to stand on eggshells just to keep him near me. He began hiding things and told me I was needy and weak. This made me even more passive and I lost alot of confidence – it started effecting my life, I believed I was the problem. He started looking around at other woman when I asked him why – he said because he was looking for me again because Id lost myself and changed. Every time I tried to talk about his aggressive behavior or the fact that he had scared me -he would walk away, put the phone down or just dissapear for days. I just didnt dare say anything to him in case he would leave me – I was really sucked in and being manipulated.. …He constantly told me “I dont know what love is, and I dont know if this is love” Then he asked me to marry him, then the next week he took it back. After that he just became more withdrawn. But he kept saying lets buy a house. Everything was just – sorry I cant respect you, Sorry I cant love you. I felt like I had to stay quite to keep him around, I became the little woman I never thought I would be – frightened he would hurt me.

    At that point I knew I had to get out. So I left him.
    The funny thing is – had done him a massive favour, he kept saying how deserved better. And I do. Im not needy because I need stability commitment and love from a man that I make a life with. Thats just a normal relationship!

    Its really good to hear other peoples stories because as much as my friends and family help me. There is nothing like the understanding of other people going through what you have been through.

    :) peace

  • rhonda

    Reply Reply March 16, 2014

    Wow for the last month and a half I have been searching for answers and could not find any. This answers alot of questions. My ex boyfriend and I became friends 3 years ago. We had been in a serious relationship until he broke up with me in feb., I knew his friends, family and coworkers and he knew all of mine. I love his kids and he said he loves mine. We were both able to tell each other we love each other. He has been married 4 times each divorce he said was not his fault. He dated a girl before me and denied dating her. While we were dating a year in the relationship he cheated on me. I found out because the woman was going to tell me so he did first, then ask for forgiveness and I told him I would try again with him. We recently got in an argument because out of the blue he said he would never marry again, I told him it was fine and we continued dating. Then he picked a fight with me and said he did not now or ever want to be in a serious relationship. Then he text me and broke up.

  • Meredith

    Reply Reply March 23, 2014

    Omg!! I wish I would have seen the signs a long time ago!! I am getting divorced from a commitment phobe. He’s the one who decided it’s over because he’s just not happy anymore after 5 years and it’s my fault because our marriage lacks intimacy. We got married when we found out I was pregnant. He told me he was happy our marriage lasted as long as it did. He’s had numerous girlfriends before me and his relationships all ended the same way. Either he just wasn’t interested anymore or he just wasn’t ready for that kind of a relationship. It’s funny because 6 months before we got married, he broke up with me because he just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Just about everyone he’s dated was a casual relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 but I was blind to it.

  • Meredith

    Reply Reply March 23, 2014

    After reading some of these comments, I wanted to go more in depth about my experience with my soon to be ex husband. When we first met, he would bend over backwards for me and he would do just about anything to make me happy. After about a year, it seemed like he didn’t care about my feelings anymore. He started hanging out with friends, was gone all night, and acted like he could care less about me. After being a apart for 3 months, and him dating someone else, he decided he wanted to try out our relationship again and my stupid self gave him a second chance. Well, we moved back in together and several months later I became pregnant and we got married. Not even a week after our marriage he was online posting singles ads. He travelled for his job and he was trying to find women to hook up with. He starts treating me poorly. I found out about the singles ads and went ballistic. At the same time I found out he had met someone online while we were planning on moving in together and actually went out on a date with her. After our sons birth, I once again found some more stuff on his computer. He was on singles websites looking for women to have affairs with. Then months later I found more singles ads looking for women to hopefully start an affair with in one of the towns he frequented for his job. He would always act so selfish all the time. He had so many expectations of me and I was bending over backwards for someone who wouldn’t even do the simplest thing for me. Our relationship was completely one sided. He was constantly lying to me about Omg!! I wish I would have seen the signs a long time ago!! I am getting divorced from a commitment phobe. He’s the one who decided it’s over because he’s just not happy anymore after 5 years and it’s my fault because our marriage lacks intimacy. We got married when we found out I was pregnant. He told me he was happy our marriage lasted as long as it did. He’s had numerous girlfriends before me and his relationships all ended the same way. Either he just wasn’t interested anymore or he just wasn’t ready for that kind of a relationship. It’s funny because 6 months before we got married, he broke up with me because he just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Just about everyone he’s dated was a casual relationship. Hindsight is 20/20 but I was blind to it. everything. One day, he sent me a text message and said he wanted a divorce. It was out of the blue and so damn sudden. My world came crashing down. He said he wasn’t happy anymore and he already had feelings for an ex gf who lived 2 states away that he had been having an online affair with for 3 months. He said I couldn’t make him happy anymore and that he wasn’t “inlove” anymore. He’s already moved on and he flipped my and my children’s lives upside down so suddenly. This has been a devastating blow. He didn’t even try to work things out.

  • Derek J

    Reply Reply March 24, 2014

    lol I just got done reading:
    “Needy and Clingy Behavior: Why Men Leave a Clingy Girlfriend”
    There’s two sides to the coin.

    • vina

      Reply Reply April 23, 2014

      to Derek: there are also needy and clingy men.but about a commitment phobic man , no matter a girl being needy and clingy or not , anyway he will ruin relationship ,and of course this will happen more quickly when he involves with a needy and clingy girl.

  • Mike

    Reply Reply May 9, 2014

    Commitment phobia is VERY real, very dangerous to be involved with and completely different than “fear of commitment”. It’s also not exclusive to just men. Just got out of 4.5 year relationship with someone who had all of the red flags but I had never heard about this. The process of the relationship was textbook – very close/bonded/in love, slowly they pushed away and pulled in, finding fault etc then the infidelity. It was heart-breaking. All I can say is run as fast as possible and don’t seek closure. They will never have remorse, just anger and blame for you being to “insecure” that you couldn’t handle them as they were (ie. relationships with ex’s, isolating, pushing you away, withholding affection). It just becomes a desperate love on your part to try and save what you had in the first few months. GO NO CONTACT AND NEVER WAVER. Respect yourself and what you deserve.

  • Janice

    Reply Reply May 25, 2014

    Hi all,

    It is so interesting to be reading all about your experiences. Having just gotten out of a 11 month relationship with a CP, I would proudly say that I had many foresight (although delayed) in regards to my ex bf’s behavior and what was on hold if I decided to stay with him.

    He too came onto me very strongly, but then again, every guy (non CP) did the same because the initial stages of being crazily infatuated. I dismissed it as “the honey moon phase”. He came off very romantic, like a character from a steamy romance novel. He was attentive, extremely affectionate, and most of all, incredibly good in bed. Although I must say that he was honest enough to disclose that he had hard times disclosing his feelings, and that when he got hurt, his emotions would shut down. My codependent nature was awakened and started taking pity on him. The relationship was incredibly good up til month 8 ,when he would show intermittent signs of being emotionally unavailable, and even verbally cruel whenever I brought up anything related to responsibility, and accountability. His cold manners made me doubt myself on multiple occasions, and I felt that he cared for nothing whenever we would have the slightest disagreements. Then during a casual conversation, I had asked for his plan for the future, he again said something like we would get married some day but for now he just doesn’t wanna own up to anything and only wants to care for himself. We had major trust issues because the way our relationship started in the first place(he cheated on his fiancee). He would always promise more than he could follow through, and blame other people for “relying” on him. Anyway, I dumped him when he was least aware, and there went my 11 month long misery. He disappeared from my life completely since. I would like to christian him a love avoidant, but yes love avoidants are commitment phobes as well.

  • pain in the ark

    Reply Reply June 3, 2014

    Hmmm well this is a bit of a shock!
    I’m still with my bf but not for long, as I will end up in little girly prison. I love him totally but I love my freedom more.
    I am 45, very beautiful and fresh as a daisy but seductive. Its been nearly two years and he hasn’t changed, which I knew from the beginning but still carried on even though I knew I was going to get heartbroken. His friends said don’t break his heart but I said to them, no it will be the other way around.
    He has all those infuriating symptoms. I can’t figure out if he’s lovely or an asshole yet. What I do know is I have to decide whether I want to use up my time figuring out which one he is and if cp even exists to that level. Surely true love conquers all. So obviously they don’t love us enough..
    Lots of love and strength to you all

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